Comedy Central organised a roast for Justin Bieber, and itwas as brutal as it could possibly get. Justin Bieber offered
himself up for sacrifice to the comedy gods as the target ofthe annual Comedy Central roast.With his mother and grandparents by his side and “prepared for the worst,” Bieber was greeted by a throng ofphotographers and reporters as he entered the Sony Studioslot on Saturday evening in Culver City, California.
The roast master was Kevin Hart, and included Snoop Dogg,Martha Stewart, Ludacris, Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell),
Shaquille O’Neil, Jeff Ross, Hannibal Buress, Chris D’Elia,and Pete Davidson. The roast — which lasted for four hours — was kicked off byHart, who said they were “gonna do what parents and the legal system should have done a long time… give the boyan ass wooping he deserves.” Here are the best jokes from the night:“Selena Gomez couldn’t be here tonight. Just because
she didn’t want to be here” – Kevin Hart.“You have it all… except love, friends, good parents and aGrammy.” – Chris D’Elia“Justin, I don’t like your music. I think it’s bad, man. Ihate your music. I hate your music more than Bill Cosby
hates my comedy.” – Hannibal Buress“Justin, you’re so pretty, when inmates see your mugshot, they swipe right.” – Snoop“All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time.” – Natasha Legerro “Justin… you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that low… and he uses your music to torture people.” – Shaq “Sixty million Twitter followers? The only place people be following you in jail is into the shower.” – Martha
Stewart “Orlando Bloom took a swing at you, you have a perfume called Girlfriend, you threw eggs at a house… not gangsta.”– Kevin Hart“You act so much like a p–sy, Ellen [DeGeneres] tried to
eat you.” – Ludacris Natasha Leggero on fellow roaster Martha Stewart: “I’m not saying Martha Stewart is old, but she needs a newWalker more than the ‘Fast and Furious’ franchise.”Hannibal Buress on Bieber’s music: “You were the fifthmost-hated person in the world last year. Kim Jong-Un didn’t even rate that high — and he uses your music totorture people.”Ludacris on Shaquille O’Neal: “Shaq is the first player in
the NBA whose shoe size, IQ and jersey are all the samenumber.
Buress on the quality of the dais: “Y’all know it’s a shitty
dais when Ludacris is the best actor on it.”
Davidson on Kevin Hart fans: “If you don’t know who
Kevin Hart is, congratulations on finishing college. Kevin’s
next special is just him jiggling keys at you.”
Leggero on her male roasters: “There is a lot of star
power in here. These guys have made millions — in child
support payments.”
D’elia on O’Neal: “People don’t realize this, but those ‘I
Can’t Breathe” T-shirts were about Shaq’s last season with
the Celtics.”
Martha Stewart on Hart’s hosting skills: “Kevin, listening
to you yell your jokes for the past two hours is the hardest
time I’ve ever done.”
Stewart on Leggero: “I do a lot of gardening, but you are
without a doubt the dirtiest, used-up hoe I have ever seen.”
Leggro in a show-stopping joke on the brain power in the
room: “Kevin has a huge Napoleon complex. Kevin,
Napoleon was the leader of France. Ludacris — France is in
Europe. Justin, Europe is a continent. Shaq — a continent is
not a free breakfast.”
Martha Stewart on Bieber’s social media influence:
“Justin, I’m sure it’s great to have 60 million followers on
Twitter, but the only place people will be following you in
jail is into the shower.”
Snoop Dogg on Kevin Hart: “Kevin is from Philadelphia,
just like Bill Cosby. And just like Bill Cosby — women can’t
tell when Kevin is inside them.”
Jeffrey Ross on Bieber’s ex-girlfriend: “Did you break up
with Selena Gomez because she grew a mustache before
you?”
Bieber also had his time as he gave a rebuttal to those who
roasted him.
“Damn, you guys were brutal,” he said. “This was supposed
to be a birthday present. When people ask me what I got for
my 21st birthday, I’ll tell them I got my d–k kicked in. I
should have known.”
“What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?”
Justin continued. “A bunch of has-beens calling you a
lesbian for two hours.”
“Martha Stewart: Thanks for coming. I’ll bet that’s
something you don’t do much of anymore.”
The Justin Bieber roast will air on the 30th of March on
Comedy Central.
